JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
