New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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