She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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