I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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