I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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