My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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