my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just had sex on a roof
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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