well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
