Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
