My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
