The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
