dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
