the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We're too hungover to prance.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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