I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize