the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
