you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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