I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
