Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
