Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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