They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
