I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize