Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
