She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
