My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
and you fell through a lawn chair
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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