I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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