I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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