oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
