Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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