I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
