you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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