If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize