I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
