I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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