Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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