Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize