you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
