I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
