I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
