Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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