Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
