Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
