your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
