i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
