I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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