I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
