bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize