I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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