You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
