Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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