Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
