He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
ttyl tear gas
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
