Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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