She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
