dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
