btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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