I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
