she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
