Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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