dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
