Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
