She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
