Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
