sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
