Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
