I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
