I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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