In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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